Still busting my chops at University, but I decided, writing my musical story wouldn't kill too much time.
Some musicians I respect like MilkMan_Dan and Lacrioso are letting people know of their past, and the story behind their music. I have decided, for the sake of jumping on wagons, that I too shall write my history, but I shall write it in the way I see fit. Which embodies two key terms to describe it. Epic, and Irrelevant
It all started on the morning of Yesteryear times 4. Or to say, Late 17's. I was a troubled child who seemed to find programming and math fun. Yes indeed, those were dark and horrible days, many physciatrists have plunged deep into the realms of insanity to try and understand my mind. Oh for LORE, I spent many a day explaining, that my mind just did not go that deep.
I pray for them on a nightly basis :(
I was at grade 9 forced into an orchestra class. For in order to graduate I required a music credit, and as I sat there cursing Kahn and his wrath for putting me in this situation I realized that suddenly I did not care the Liberals were going to win that years election.
yes, that is how deeply I was hurt. Let them have the majority of the seats, I hope that failure comes swiftly to the heads of my enemies as their pensions plans are refused to them due to fund deficiencies!
Rubbing my thin grainy hands, and cackligiling *giggiling while cackling*, I was led to the room that would be the music room. The door opened and my eyes made contact with the grand Maestro of High School musicians! I must have interrupted a crucial moment because the French Hornist forgot that the mouth piece did not go into his eye.
"What do you play young man!" he bellowed, pointing his wretched broken down meter stick fiercely into my SOUL!
"I play, and this is no lie, THE TRIANGLE!"
the room shat themselves in horror and awe. Several flutists stood up smashing their seats back into the violinists, impaling their souls, thrusting the flutes deep into the guts of their worst enemies.
And then I realized I should probably answer the question, and also continue taking my medication.
"I play a wicked math book, allow me to demonstrate!" busting out the thickest math book I solved for him right there and then several algebraic formulas. To make it even more relevant to his query I scribbled in C minor, at 140 bpm.
Shedding tears of remorse and wonderment, he pointed me at the bass drum. Even a hamster with downsyndrome could smack a mallet to a large circular box like object on beat right?!
It was hilarious. He'd raise the stick
"No, when I point to y-"
"Okay, i'm not even pointing ye-"
"Sit down, AND NEVER SHALL THEE TOUCH ANOTHER INSTRUMENT!" and the athiests in the room immediatly lol'ed it up, because he said Thee, and that was hilarious.
And then I sat down and started to read my book, which I had borrowed from the library. I don't remember what book it was, only that it had pages, and that it also had no pictures.
I went to the office after class and I said to the guidance counseller I said, "Woman! You get me out of that class, and find me the happiness my mother could never give me >:("
Peering into my eyes, the what was now evidently, a man, took up his guidance book and started typing into his computer. Many minutes passed, and he had failed to pass the Solitaire game. For SHAME, I wanted to screech into the heavens, you formidible TWAT, THE JACK GOES ON TOP OF THE QUEEN, and then I giggled, because I was fairly sure that borderlined incest. Incest is wrong.
"You can't leave that class, all the other classes don't want you!"
"LIES!" I thundered, and unsheathed my +30 axe of retardation!
"YOU SHALL NOT PASS... THAT COURSE!" boomed my opponent while busting out his +50 red pen of fail! For many a day we made combat, the kind of shatters the very foundation of empires, the kind that is written in books to be ridiculed by youngsters of the coming years, because honestly, why not.
And at long last, when I had my axe zipping towards his head, he said "I shall let you DROP THE CLASS!"
"Then make it so wo-man? thing!" and with more clicks, and mother jokes, it was done. I was out of the orchestra class!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
To be continued!
================================EDIT ==== ECIT=====================
With my newfound victory of not having to attend music class, I went and in my spare, I programmed redudently simple option driven rpg's. In short, press 'a' to kick the midget, 'b' to backhand the midget, 'c', apologize to the midget, etc etc.
And I thought I was Sir Williams the Expert Coder, the Third. And such, grade 9 and 10 were blurs of clickings, and scribblings, and lol'ing at the musicians, and wondering why for the love of all that was fuzzy and pokable would anybody want to take something called the bow, and then rudely rub it suggestively on another object, which would screech out "rape!" albeit it was percieved as music at the time. There is debate about wether grade 9 and 10 musicians, do in fact, rape their instruments with what they try to pass off as "playing".
The only thing they were playing with was the well being of anybody who passed them. It was a fun game to punish the low scum of the school by forcing them to walk by the orchestra room. So full was their fate of agony, it brings great grief to recall it.
God rest their souls, a tear is shed for the fallen.
I'd ask for a moment of silence, but you're garuanteed the screeching of untuned madness to bleed your ears.
And so grade 11 hit, and I my gaming craze hit it's all new high. Deeming myself a "virtual athlete", I stormed the stormy IP server seas with my trusty mouse. I was also a very big Anime fan at the time. If Japan made it, chances were I had it, if Japan didn't make it, chances were I was blackmailing somebody into making it.
For those of you who have seen Fruits Basket.
I'm SO sorry :(.
At the time I found my first musician idol. Yuki Kajiura, composer for the anime series ./Hack Sign. When I first heard the tracks I was like "YOU ARE FULL OF LIES, AND ENTERTAINMENT!" and I busted out that tune like the elderly on bingo night.
And then I said to myself "this song is rightous enough for me to remix it". And I did in fact remix it. And I shall never show you, nor anybody this song ever again, it shall die with me. With my Fruity Loops 3 I thought I was the next Mozart. I was just doing this for kicks and giggles.
And then I said "the internet... she is ready for me D: " and for sure I was going to go up there with my Fruity preset filled crap and dominate the entire planet! The plan was within the end of the week the president himself would fly on down and give me large islands of Hawaii. Declare Tiesto a crack pot addict, and me the all new founder of modern art of audio!
I entered a competetion at RPG Wolfpack *now deceased :'(* and my first breath as MaestroEm-I mean MaestroSorrow was born.
But the musician there took pity on my crap I called skill, and said "j00 r fail, use VST's!"
and I did, starting with Edirol, if you go to my old account, it's all made with that one VST, accept like 2 songs. Of course all those songs are equivalantly made of fail. Failure and Do not Pass Go. I did not even collect 200 dollars... Bullavard avenue was sadly out of my reach.
Half a year passed and people were starting to get angry at my overrated page. So many a letter was sent detailing how they would kill my unborn children, and then plant a large salt tablet in locations I wasn't sure of. Like my thyroid gland. Where was that exactly? I'd ask, because I felt it was important to know where I am being threatened before an appopriate lash back was created.
"Yeah... well... I'm going to kick your shins >:'(!"
And sadly i've lost interest in writing the rest of the story, it ends here for MaestroEmo, perhaps one day I shall write about MaestroAngerIssues, and the unknown identity of MaestroMoodSwings. If you made that account, seriously let me know, i've lost sleep. It's not cool.