Nicely done
Hello again Dave!
I love stories, the whole reason I make music is to tell a story, and i'm glad to know that you are taking a similar approach.
I was looking forward to reading the full story, but hopefully you'll post that up soon ^^.
In any case, lets get onto this piece.
This piece Dave, is one that holds a lot of potential, and don't think that means I felt you did it wrong, or that you didn't do a good job, but what I mean is that there is so many ways of carrying out this story, it's sometimes overwhelming.
Lets begin with instrument choices.
Now I love the strings, more so then anything, however I don't know if the strings were the best way of handling this scenario. For example, I really think a flute or oboe would have truly nailed this story home. Not so much flute... no I guess flute would not be that effective, though interesting, I would most definitely consider the oboe a valuable asset though.
I would suggest the piano however I'm not sure if using it would make the song too... cliche? I know there is only so many instruments one can use, and really it's how one uses it and not what they use.
You've got a lot of ambient type like feeling here and thats perfect for this kind of story. The length of the piece is also rather extensive, a concern I have is the diversity of the song. This would make an awesome background track no doubt, but it tends to start blending together, and sounding the same if you're not paying attention to it.
So really what i'm trying to say is it lacks some diversity, and as a direct result I felt it wasn't as original as it could be.
I'd also suggest a nice choir, but would that bleed the song from it's core? I don't really know, it adds a lot, but potentially removes just as much, depending on the emotion you were going for I suppose.
The ending is debatable. It ended on an angry note, and the extended note it held was a little hard on the ears, perhaps dissonant? By no means do I mean it shouldn't be there, it is an interesting twist, and definitely it makes the song more noticeable before it ends.
In any case, this is another good work! Keep them coming Dave, keep up the good fight!